A Surreal Reality

Today is my 30th birthday. Perhaps if circumstances were a little different I'd be blogging about how old I feel and how my body has changed, but I'm just grateful for one more year of life.

My brother, Jason, died in a car accident at 1:30 in the morning on Valentine's Day.

Reality as I know it has changed forever.

I'm not really sure how to process this all or how to interact with/react to others. I've been in their shoes before and always thought, "I don't know what to say." I still don't know what to say.

The days come in waves of surreal moments ... waiting for my brother to call and tell everyone it was just a big prank (he was like that) and then waves of emotion with the reality of his death emanate and tears flooding my eyes.

Micah is obviously too young to understand, but I did explain to Jackson what happened. I could tell he understood intellectually (we talk about heaven a lot I guess), but I don't think he understood emotionally except for the fact that I was crying and that made him a little sad.

We've decided to leave the kids with church family and Colin and I will travel alone to Milwaukee to mourn with family. My thoughts are that we can then be free to go wherever and whenever and stay however long we need to and not worry about nap schedules and bedtimes, etc.

Surprisingly, facebook has been a huge healing balm for me (besides the obvious fact that God is sovereign in every way and in everything). Jason's life really did touch a lot of people in so many different ways and I've been able to see that more through facebook. It comforts me to know that other people share in the sorrow and to hear the funny stories about Jason.

Yet, I can't help but feel a little unworthy (for lack of a better word) of my sorrow because I think of his wife, Ericka, and how much pain and sorrow she must be feeling. The bond a husband and wife have is SO much stronger than a sister and brother (as it should be). I CANNOT imagine what she is going through.

My reality has changed forever, but not NEARLY in the same way as my sister-in-law's. I've just barely begun to wrap my brain around the fact that I'll never see my brother here on earth again, but I don't think I'll ever be able to comprehend what it's like to wake up one morning and miss the other half of me ... his dirty laundry still in the hamper, leftovers in the fridge, toothbrush still in the bathroom, ...

My brother's in heaven... he's not in pain ... he's not missing us ... he's worshiping our LORD who is in control of all things in Heaven and on earth, both life and death. It brings me comfort to know that.

I pray for my sister-in-law and all of those who love Jason and remain here on earth, because the reality is that we are in pain and we do miss him. Please pray for us ... may we cling to the hope that we have in Christ Jesus, that one day there will be a new Heaven and a new earth where no one in Him will be in pain and no one will be missed and all will worship Him.